A week without an in-person session or any kind of assignment feels so empty anymore. I know I still have my daily work uniform to remind me that I’m under your thumb, but even that has begun to feel “normal”. It still induces a bit of that subby feeling, but not nearly as much as it did when the weather turned warm. My thoughts wander a lot more instead of being focused on how much you are pleased with how controlled I am by you. That uniform usually is a reinforcement of the subby feeling of a session that leads into the next session and keeps me focused on you 24/7, but these weeks off find me going sometimes 8-12 hours where I will suddenly realize that I’ve been thinking of just random things and letting my mind wander.
It makes me wonder how long it would take of having no task from you before your conditioning would start to release. All those hours in the cage and time shaping my body. 4 weeks? 6? I know the answer isn’t 2 as that has happened before and I snap right back into subby mode with 1 session, but I wonder how much this is like building up a tolerance to alcohol or anything else that conditions the brain. Much like the way you’ve taught my body to no longer think dressing femme is a turn on and that it is just a way of life. Or the way I no longer make an instant mess when decide to take joy in attaching things to my balls. It’s allowed you to have infinitely more fun with me while denying me even a little bit of pleasure.
I’ve also come to realize that I’m beginning to get pleasure from knowing that I’m being denied. I love that laugh I hear when those nipples pumps cause me to hump the air and get no release, or when you attach a rope or leash to my balls forcing my body into certain positions. That feeling of knowing you have so much more control over my pleasure than you ever have now gives me emotional pleasure. That emotion is so much more freeing than any physical release ever was. I know that will only continue and that pleasure feedback loop just makes me crave more of that subby feeling.
